“Problem When I do”. Have you experienced this? I’m sure if you are grown up and have been doing things on your own, you would have experienced this.
Life is like a soccer game and you are the goal keeper. You will be known by the goals you have missed to block. Lets look at why this happens and how you can manage the same effectively.
Why is it a Problem when I do it?
Because it’s easier. Introspection is never easy:
- firstly because it isn’t taught in a way that one learns a subject in school, and
- secondly, most people want to avoid the pain and sadness in their own life by distracting themselves from it by focusing on other people.
- Third, focusing on other people’s problems also allows a person to judge and control others by making the person they focus on remember past guilt and people find that a lot of fun.
We humans have evolved over past million of years from jungle animals to todays humans. One of our strong survival instinct is our ability to study others better and to understand them better.
As humans, only gift we have received from mother nature is our mind and brain. Unlike other animals, we do not have strong muscles, long nails or teeth, thick Hyde etc. Only defense or offence mechanism that we have is our grey matter.
So in the process of honing our survival instinct, we have learnt the art of creating reasonable explanations when we commit mistakes. On the other hand, we immediately point out and exaggerate on others people’ fault. This enables us to have a sense of power of other.
Hence, the weaker one (mind), or the manipulated one, always has this feeling – "It's cool when they do it, Problem when I do it".
How to manage your feeling of “problem When I Do It”.
Everyone commits mistakes and that okay, as long as you learn from your mistakes and move on.
However, when you get into a situation where someone tries to manipulate you, as discussed above, it generates load of stress in you. And this stress if not managed effectively may lead to unwanted issues and complexities.
Luckily, experts agree that certain strategies can help. Most are far easier than you may think. Lets understand them:
To stave off stress:
1. Block out the negative
“We all have ‘mirror neurons’ — a collection of brain cells that can mimic any emotion we come across automatically,” said Dr. Uma Naidoo, director of nutritional and lifestyle psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital. So just as you might block a mirror to prevent light reflecting on it, you can attempt to block your brain’s mirrors.
To do so, envision something you love or that makes you laugh before you enter a situation you predict will be stressful. “Now you have an authentic reason to smile. It’s not the person in front of you. It’s what is in your head,” Naidoo said.
No time to prepare but want to ensure that you exit the emotional exchange relatively unscathed? Hone in on one positive thing during the interaction, suggests Naidoo. Even saying aloud, “I love your shoes” — although you may dislike everything else about this particular person — sets the tone and allows your positive emotions to take precedence.
2. Get some fresh air
“Try to physically distance yourself from the source of the negative contagion,” suggested psychiatrist Dr. Judith Orloff. The farther you are from the source, the less the effects will be.
Heading outside, or simply looking at nature-inspired scenes, may be your wisest choice. Research shows that being in nature has the ability to increase feelings of well-being while reducing your heart rate, blood pressure, and muscle tension.
Can’t take a break? Even keeping a plant nearby can effectively help you to absorb some of your generated stress.
3. Talk to someone you trust
Remember that aforementioned experiment in which nervous mice stressed out their partners? The study’s investigators found that this “ripple effect” could be reversed by social interactions. Granted, it only helped female mice — not the males — but other research shows that social support reduces stress in humans.
Just make sure to vent your concerns to someone you trust.
4. Set clear boundaries
Think about separating yourself physically from the person until he or she has a chance to calm down or vent to someone else.
“If they must vent to you, email or phone is more manageable than being in someone’s presence while they’re venting.” Venting in form of “Problem, when I do”.
5. Take a mental step back
Imagine yourself as a detached observer, suggests Sherry Cormier, PhD, a psychologist, certified bereavement trauma specialist, and stress management consultant. “Practice compassionate detachment. Be attentive, kind, and respectful, but not so emotionally involved that you feel responsible for [another person’s] problem OF finding “Problem when I do.”
This strategy helps, Cormier explained, because “you don’t pressure yourself to fix something that’s outside of your control.”
6. Remember to breathe
When we take on others’ stress, our breathing becomes more rapid, Cormier said. When you feel yourself getting worked up, pay attention to the length of your exhales and inhales.
“Try to breathe less than 12 breaths a minute,” Cormier advised. “Slower respirations decrease the body’s stress response.”
7. Build up your emotional immune system
To do that, you’ll need a healthy self-care regimen. “Invest time in finding things to do that relax and recharge you, and which you can do routinely,” said Alisha Powell, PhD, LCSW, a therapist and social worker. “It doesn’t have to be extravagant but it does need to be purposeful and meaningful to you.”
Whether it’s yoga, woodworking, or having a weekly game night with friends, find something you find fulfilling. Then actually pursue it on a regular basis. If you’re exposed to stress when you haven’t been taking care of yourself, “you’ll find that you’re more irritable than usual and have a lower tolerance for frustration,” Powell said.
8. Look ahead
When you’re in the thick of a stressful interaction, start planning what you can do afterward to decompress, Lombardo suggested.
Sign up online for a spinning class? Arrange to meet a friend for dinner? Imagine how good it’ll feel to go home and hug your kids? Remind yourself there really is light at the end of your stress tunnel.
9. Work up a sweat
Caught some stress despite your best efforts to steer clear? Exercise may be the fastest way to get out of your funk. Physical activity triggers your body to release endorphins — “feel good” chemicals that serve as your body’s natural painkillers. Even five minutes of aerobic activity can reduce your anxiety and help you better cope with stress.
10. Put pen to paper
Putting your emotions into words can also help you slough off a stressful event. Don’t worry about crafting a literary masterpiece. Instead, try writing nonstop for a few minutes about your feelings.
Doing so can help you organize your thoughts and better cope with your emotions. One theory, why? Once down on paper, these ruminations are no longer playing on an endless loop inside your head.
To Conclude
Remember, sometimes catching someone’s problem can be a good thing — even though you’re not an early human simply trying to ensure your own survival. If timely flag is raised for certain genuine problems, it can help you course correct and improve as well.
Do keep in mind “Problem when I do” and raised flag can also mean an opportunity for you to take care of it and evolve into a better human. The only situations you need to be aware of and conscious about is the ones created by manipulators – “Its cool when they do it, Problem when I do”.
